Diss engaging yourself from feeling....(6 October 2022)

I found myself posing three questions today.....do you allow yourself time and space to grieve for what you have lost? Do you celebrate what you have now  and what you accomplish? Or do you, through self preservation, sit and scroll, meaning you shut yourself off from the highs and lows of life? 

I took my littlest and friend to school today on their scooters. I was on my scooter, with dog in tow. I felt so privileged to be able to do this. 

On the way back I remembered walking the same way, on the grass, wellies on, just me and the dog. Dog off lead, running, sticking close as always. That was 12 months ago. Now I roll on my mobility scooter, dog on lead, no choice but to stick close.

I'm so thankful I can. I'm so unbelievably sad for what I have lost.

I come home and scroll. I could tidy, I could do my photography, I could sort and organise many, many things. But I have no energy to pick things up and actively do anything. I dont want to engage with my feelings - I'd just cry. 

And so another milestone is fleetingly acknowledged, but no more. It hurts too much to be thankful, because it admits the loss. So I scroll.