Day off, so sat at the Drs waiting room again. Across the other side of the room was a new mum, and her tiny little one. I know she was a new mum, because of the way she held and gazed into her baby's face. A second time mum would be half asleep, enjoying the 5 mins quiet wait.
I was once there. I remember, it's all encompassing.
Watching, I realised, through the passage of time and choices we've made or things that have happened beyond our control, I was in a completely different place. How did I get here?
Last night we put to bed a bolshy 7year old in a heap of trouble and an upset 4 year old. There was no staring into eyes lovingly, although I did lie with them and talk, once things had calmed down,
My visits to the Dr are now much more likely to be for me and my MS rather than a snuffly baby worry.
Where has the time gone? How have I changed from a new mum who questions each tiny noise, to a working mum of 2, with MS, struggling to keep abreast of medical appointments, managing medication, on top of managing what every mum manages at home, washing, food menus, food shopping, tidying, school bags done, homeworks done, partys attended. I go to a training session once a week which has helped me amazingly with my physical strength and balance, but apart from this, I cant remember the last time I did something for me. If I manage to get a couple of hrs at the weekend, I spend it trying to catch up with work.
My husband has balance. He travels to and from work alone, no kids, alone with his own thoughts. He goes biking, probably not as much as he'd like, but he goes. I don't have thinking space, let alone doing space.
And then I end up moaning like this, and wonder when I changed. Life is full. But sometimes it seems so full that I wonder where that mum went, spending hours just staring into her babies eyes, lost in thought, wondering, day dreaming.
Then I just cry.
Then stop, as life goes on and I need to go and sort myself out before I go to bed.
