Lock Down 4 - 75 Days (May 2020)

So much time has passed and so much has happened. And yet nothing at all.
75 days into our lock down. We have the highest infection rate in Europe. And death rate. The R rate is near 1. If it gets over 1 the pandemic is growing. And yet the national lockdown is gradually, bit by bit, lifting.
It scares me.
Schools should be re opening. Our council along side 59 others have said no. Which shows me things are more serious still than the government would have us believe.
Then why are we opening? Because there is room in hospital for you?
I know many people are struggling with bigger issues or more pressing issues than me but the future scares me in many ways.
My family are amazing. They have shut down totally. No questions. But as people return to the new normal, when will the strict social distancing that I have to maintain become to much?
Camping trips with friends. Holidays with our extended holiday family? Even if such trips are permitted by national rules I have no doubt it will be unsafe for me to go. Just knowing this puts stress on me. I don't want to come across as negative. I know I do. But it's just realistic.
Just as decisions about my future and work. I have tried to be realistic. Until yesterday this was a real and internal struggle with me. I've always wanted to continue as long as I could. My balance and movement now is terrible. The position  my treatment puts me in with a reduced immune system is incompatible with a school environment where social distancing is impossible. But what if a vaccine is found? What if at some point I could do It? It has seemed like a choice being made to apply for ill health retirement rather than my hand being forced.
Then yesterday that changed. I had a phone appointment with a consultant. The upshot of the conversation was that going forward I would need to make changes. And that is it.
......
There is no way I can work. So there is my full stop.
Weirdly I felt a sense of calm. A sense of at ease. I think I had been battling a (made up) fight in my head. Could i go back? Shouldn't I? That just stopped.
No choice. I'm done.
And now, this morning, writing this the next day, I can cry.