Life begins at 40. (14 Aug 2020)

 So apparently I'm 40 today.

We are still in Lock down as a family. 5 months now. Our council area is in a second lockdown because people cannot follow guidelines. People's blatant disregard of the rules scares me. I like rules and would always follow them. But seeing how people just don't scares me as the number of infections is going up and the reason we should be being careful is for people who are vulnerable - me.

Life decisions have been made through this unprecidented time. I am giving up work. A part of my life I have always loved. But my MS is causing many issurs - which i will go into another time - and I have reached the end of working. I went for as long as I possibly could and i am proud of myself for that.

As well as this, we have decided to relocate. We are moving to be near family. So changing areas completely. As the eldest says, why did you decide to do it now, in lockdown? But it needed to be now to fit in for schools etc. More upheaval at a crazy time but hopefully we will be grateful later when everything slots into place.

So, as I was saying, I turn 40 today and with so many big, life changing decisions going on, you probably need to forgive me for a little mid life crisis wallowing!!

I joined an MS zoom yesterday on meditation. Never joined before. The person leading the group wanted us to connect with our inner child. We were to close our eyes and think of a place we used to love as a child. Then go up to the child version of us and tell them something you want them to know and hug them. It was at this point I started to cry. I'm crying now thinking about it. We were meant to be getting strength from the child's way of approaching the world, but all I could think about was the child version of me and what was in her future. The things she will have to go through, that no one should have to deal with before 40, if ever. I couldn't tell her anything. I didn't want to spoil her innocence. 

Don't get me wrong, I am proud of many things in my life. And so many things make me happy. I am lucky in so many ways. I share my life with my husband, my best friend, my soul mate. My kids are amazing ( when not killing each other). I just put up with alot along side the good. And I know everyone does, and everyone's load is different. But there is no way I would tell the child me that at 40 she would be dealing with the issues I deal with. 

It made me realise that I am strong, and I carry alot .

Anyway, life begins at 40, so let's see what it brings.